25 August 2012

Son, I am disappoint!

Granted, I haven't been getting here very often, but what I found today is just offensive.  I had a nice rotating set of black cat photographs and when I got here today, I found ADS on my site.  On my site WITHOUT my permission.  So...I had to delete the cute cat pictures.

Frankly, if I don't make money off MY SITE, then YOU DON'T, EITHER!

end rant

29 July 2011

Yeah, I know...It's been a while.

So, right this minute, I am cooling my heels in the Atlanta Airport (ATL).  Why, you may ask.  Well, I have temporarily abandoned my current domicile in Hawaii for a trip.  I've accumulated a "bunch" of leave that I need to use,mor my employer will take it from me.  Now, I earned that time off, and I don't intend to let it go, so I scheduled a freaking month.  I didn't want to spend that time bumming around the islands and I had learned that a favorite actor (those who know me know who this august personage is) was going to be performing in a production of Shakespeare in London.  Somehow, my twisty little brain concocted a plan to go to London to see the play (after all, the play's the thing) and other "stuff" and maybe go some other places, too like Ireland to hunt up my late husband's family.  As these things do, the little plan turned into a month long production of Shado's UK Tour (t-shirts will be available in the lobby).  Never being one to do anything solely for pleasure, with a few notable suggestions, I have managed to incorporate a little work into the trip.

I have another 12 months left in my current assignment in Hawaii.  This fact has both its good and bad points.  The bad first:  I have come to love the islands and the way of life there.  I love the ocean and the mountains and feel like I belong there.  I've been really comfortable there.  It's as close to home as I have come without my sweetheart being with me.  Now it seems that I have to leave.  There are situations with my job that make it nigh on to impossible for me to stay.  Unfortunate that I have found a "home" and now it seems that I must leave it.  So, what's the good?  The good is that I will be using this trip as a vehicle to find another job.  If I can, indeed find a job (or as I like to say, some Brit with the means and inclination to support me in the manner to which I would like to become accustomed), then I can avoid returning to the dreaded east coast and I can also sidestep the issues that are driving me out of Hawaii.

So here I sit, dragging my way through the world's longest layover (14 hours) to get on another plane that will take me to England.  I am dead chuffed, and when not so tired that I can't see straight, I'm so excited that I bounce a bit.  So far, I've got tickets for that Shakespeare play, The Doctor Who Experience (yah, I'm a nerd...), Dinner at Gordon Ramsey's restaurant at Claridges (I'm a foodie snob, too), plans for a day trip to Paris and another (maybe) to Brussels or Bruges (if the train goes there).  I'm going to Cardiff, and Dublin (to drink Guinness on its home turf, and York, and Hadrian's Wall, and palaces and stuff.  I've actually really trimmed back my plans because, understanding the power of visualization, I don't have to see ALL the things, because soon I will be living there and can see the rest of the things at my leisure.  That, and the fact that I'm planning on having FUN and don't want to be exhausted.  I almost forgot...Y-A-R- freakin-N, too.

Now, if y'all will forgive a tiny rant.  I recently changed over to insulin therapy for my diabetes.  OK, so no big deal there, BUT, I really wish someone would come up with a formulation of insulin that is reasonably temperature stable.  I schlep enough stuff with me, but now get to drag along those get cool pacs or ice in ziplocks.  It's bulky and heavy and just a fiddly pain in the ass.  --end rant.

Speaking of insulin, it's about 2300 London time, and I've taken my insulin for the day (trying to get all my cycles aligned with Aldebran or something, so that my meds work with my activities.  I should probably toddle off and find something to eat that's not crappy nibblys.  Use-ta-wuz, you could get decent food in the first class lounges.  Not any more.

Thus goes my first day of leave.  Gotta go eat...

30 September 2010

Early Fall

It's the first of October and I'm basically miserable.  I'm become a sad old woman.  I go home every night to my cat, watch a little tube or work the yarns (spinning, knitting, dyeing, etc).  I've given up school at least for the monent because I just don't have the strenget to do school AND work.

Work has become a misery.  Called division chief, I am constantly sabotaged and undermined.  I have "staff" who do whatever they want to do.  I couldn't get a weekly progress report even by begging.  Anyone and everyone else with an involvement feels free to task my employees with whatever, but I get schooled for asking a team member to complete a minor task.  My former boss, who was displaced by upper management and given a new assignment has taken to "directing and tasking" me as though I was unable to determine actions form meetings and emails..  I'm perfectly capable of deriving actions from emails and meetings.  I don't need him to tell me what to do.  He was supposed to be out of the office weeks ago and he's still there.  The rest of the team have decided that they either work for him or they work for a higher level up.  A weekly report on the progress of the team was pointedly ignored

I am treated less than respectfully,  team members show up, uninvited to project team meetings( note that they are NOT members of the team).  They constantly interrupt me when I'm speaking, one of them actually shushed me by raising his hand to MY MOUTH as I was trying to answer a question put directly to me.  Employees have flatly refused to take on a minor tasks I asked for.  Somehow I have to bring this crowd of men into line and get what I'm entitled to as a manager and do it professionally.  I think I'd rather walk away, but I can't.  Previous boss presumes to speak on my behalf whether he's been asked to or not.

I do NOT know how to bring these people into line and it's making me crazy!  I know I can do this, I just need some damn help to make it real.  I"m beginning to think I need to bring Lady Dorothy into the mix and maybe have a small dance in the back yard..

I am exhausted, physically and emotionally.  I need to take time off work, but can not because I fear that I will have no job to return to,  "They're" standing in line to push me out.  I would simply have no job left to return to .  It's bad enough that I'm going to a training class soon.  I'll be gone for, probably a few days and it would be the perfect time to have a friendly little neighborhood coup.  Since we all know how that ends up...They are heros and I am jobless scum.

I've become so low that I've begun thinking curtailment, even though I love where I am, and I know that curtailment would ruin ANY possibility I might ever have to get promoted and with a curtailment on my record, no other field site on this (or any other) planet will ever have me.

Add to all this is that I'm tired and dreadfully lonely.  There's so many times that I really need a hug, or I just need to be held...and I got nothin.  Every night, it's the same lonely bed, cold on that one side.  Every night...no one but the cat and TV to talk to.  Rarely, I wish it just all be over.  I need someone to cuddle. It's been years since I've been touched and I wonder if I'll ever get a little snog ever again.  Truly given up hope for a shag, but a snog would be really help.

Enough wankery...it' time to be off to bed.

Perhaps tomorrow will be better.

15 September 2010

Can ya believe it's been a year??

2 Sept 2010

Definitely time to take a mo and revisit the blog.  I celebrated the first day of my new life in Hawaii exactly one year ago...yesterday.  I've really changed a lot since I got here.  Having gotten away from the stifling life in Korea, where every attempt on my part to give value and make a difference were rebuffed and sabotaged, I started over in Honolulu. I went from being part of a family an ensemble if you will, albeit a small one, to being a solo act.  I miss my late husband dearly.  Occasionally, it still overwhelms me, especially then there are things that I would share with him.  There's loneliness here, and lots of it even though I have some dear friends that I prize more than quiviut, cashmere, or silk (knitters will know what I mean)  There are nice places to go to eat , some concerts to go to (although the Honolulu Symphony is apparently no more).  More importantly, I have dear friends to share my new life.  Go ahead and mock me, but sometines it's kind of like when Doctor Who regenerates and he ends up a different man.  I came here and am regenerating into a new person.

Some days later...

I belong to a knitting group that is fun, loving, and pretty outrageous and I love them.  They bring out some really good stuff in me and I like it.  My job?  Well, that's different a bit.  I started off as the deputy to a smart man with a very strong personality who maybe wasn't the best at sharing with other people.  Things developed and changed and he was assigned to oversee a specific task.  I was elevated to a Division Chief's position and all of a sudden became responsible for managing two of the most complicated projects you could imagine.  I've managed construction of industrial factories in swamps and the historic restoration of 200+ year old buildings and I've had nothing yet that had as many moving parts and political players as these.  I swear if I ever get time off, I'm going to go hide in the hills of York or Ireland and make them find me.  A Scottish mountain top is also appealing.  BTW, it looks like I'll be doing this job till at lease 2015.

Today was a particularly miserable day in a string of miserable days.  I've been working overtime because I'm been required to attend day long offsite meetings and still have to go into the office either before or after to make care of the daily things.  This man I used to work for and now am a peer has a knack of attacking my self esteem and skills when I'm tired or not feeling well.  He got me again today, criticizing my competence and level of understanding.  The first comment was a remark that if I had trouble understanding his email, I should ask him...all delivered in a very patronizing way.   He's always ready to step in and heroically "save the day" if he perceives a vacuum and it would make his year if he could swoop in make everything all wonderful and save the projects from little old incompetent me.  Wouldn't he be wonderful?  I always feel as though I'm watching over my shoulder because he's just waiting for the chance to make me look bad and I can no longer trust him.

I've also got a really bad case of the lonesomes.  Found out a nephew was getting married this weekend.  Found it out on facebook.  Nevermind something ordinary like maybe an invitation.  Who knows...if they had bothered to send me an invitation, they might have gotten a gift.  Now they get nothing.  It's so wonderful to belong to a family that doesn't acknowledge you're alive.  The late husband's family is no better...They don't respond to contact or volunteer any.  The only thing I can think of is they blame me for his death. 

So I occasionally have these spells where I get weepy and sad and lonely.  They always pass...eventually.  During these tender times, I always long for intimacy and physical contact.  I am rarely touched anymore and I miss that.  Michael and I were quite physical, not obnoxious or rude about it, but we were hand holders and would walk with our arms around each other.  At tables our legs or knees were always touching.  I miss that.

Well, this pity party has gone on long enough.  It's bedtime.  NiNight my dears.

15 May 2010

I really should get here more often...

So, it's almost June. Wow!  I can't believe how quickly time goes by.  I haven't noted it before, but I'm starting up the Master's degree again.  It will be interesting to see how I do without my biggest fan.  Michael was always so supportive of my school work.  He did stuff so I could devote more time to the books and he never complained when I studied instead of paying attention to him.  He was so proud when I finished the BS.  He would be happy that I decided to finish the MS after not being able to take classes for so long.

I always thought that books were criminally overpriced, even when I started college so many years ago.  They are STILL criminally over priced.  How they can justify charging $177 for a book on Project Management is totally beyond me.  I guess I'm just in the wrong business.  I should become a college bookseller and gouge students on required texts.

On a personal note, I had a GREAT appointment at the physio today.  The back exercises are meh and not much of a challenge, but one of the massage therapists worked me over.  Oh my God!  It felt like my back was full of rocks and she hit every one of them.  I could feel the knots getting smaller, but I'm so tender that it was hurty.  It's going to take a while to get over almost four years of lack of treatment.  The Korean medical establishment is not big on pain management nor do they appreciate patient questions.  Also, their idea of massage is very rough.  Almost every time I ended up bruised and swollen.  I am VERY happy to have found a good physio with good, professional, massage therapists.  I'm looking forward to reducing my pain!

On another note, I'm thinking of getting myself an orchid or two.  Michael and I had a whole raft of plants before we went to Korea.We cared for plants in Korea, but they belonged to the landlord and of course, I couldn't bring them with me. Now, I only have a little aloe thing that the last tenant left (which I need to repot as it's in an old, weathered, brittle plastic thing).  I love flowers, but there are no flowering plants in the landscaping, and I don't think the current landlord would appreciate me digging up the back yard and planting "stuff".  I figure that if I choose the right orchids, I'll do fine since I don't have to worry about cold and we get plenty of breezes.  I'm also quite tempted to add an African Violet or two, too.  Michael and I had quite the collection of violets and he was a genius at propagating them.  Actually, Michael had a real knack with all sorts of plants and he took great pleasure in growing pretty and often tasty plants.  If I weren't such a lazy bint, I would get some herbs started in the back.  Perhaps when the back is better.

06 April 2010

It's been a year. I can't really believe it. (Originally posted 15 Jan 2010)

It has been just over a year since Michael died. Some days it seems like I'm right in the middle of it all over again. Other days, it feels like the whole drama has been over forever and life was always the way it is right now, complete with that empty "Michael shaped" hole. He's always with me and there are times I want to hold him again and it hurts so bad. There are things I do that I wish I could share with him, but I do them anyway, because I know he would enjoy knowing that I was enjoying something. I have far more "good" days than bad days, but there are days where the lonliness kind of pervades the house. Feels kind of like a constant light, cool rain, sometimes there are rainbows at the end. The sadness never lasts for long. The cat comes by to annoy me, or I find some wonderful music, or a great show on telly. Sometimes all it takes is a well knit piece of some garment or throw. Best booster lately is a well spun length of wool. Or I go out and meet up with my friends and we knit and laugh and tell stories.

It's interesting to note that since I left Korea, my blood pressure has returned to normal, my adrenalin levels have dropped back to normal because I'm not constantly feeling the need to run away or beat the living crap out of someone. Also the amount of stress caused by people constantly lying to you is a thing of the past. Funny how that urge to rip out a throat or two diminishes when you're treated honestly, respectfully, and kindly.

My latest doctor doesn't quite get it. He's convinced that I have hypertension. My last reading was 104/65. He's agreed to d/c one of my blood pressure meds but is convinced that I will return in two weeks with headaches and soaring pressure. The only thing that would cause that would to be told that I had to go back to Korea. Now, since I like my kidneys, I'll gladly stick with the ACE inhibitor

My life has gone better here than I could've hoped. I have wonderful friends who make me laugh and who laugh at my lousy jokes. I work with good people where I"m respected (wow what a change!)

10 March 2010

March in Hawaii

Has been very interesting. A few weeks ago, Hawaii was placed under a tsunami warning due to a very serious earthquake in Chile. Fortunately this happened on a Saturday. because even though everything downtown was closed and many areas evacuated, it was not complicated by weekday workers cluttering up the sidewalks.

Up here in the highlands, there was no danger and very little notice taken of the proceedings. My greatest annoyance was the siren (in my back yard) that went off at 0600. I have no desire to see 0600 on a Saturday...ever. Seriously, it would take a wave of "Hollywood disaster movie proportions" to get anywhere near me. It would surely screw up off shore deliveries as I'm sure it would damage the docks and the harbor, and I might have to do my cooking and water heating on the Weber for a while, but there was no impact to me this time.

I'm still trying to relearn cooking for 1 person. It's very frustrating for me because I always end up with too much. I'm also too cheap to fire up the Joe, because even if you use a small amount of coal, you'll still be wasting "fire" every time you want to grill up a steak, burger, or salmon side. It's sad.

I'm working on a lovely shawl that took me ages to finally get my head around the pattern, but now, I've got it and the knitting is going very well. In conjunction with this, I have discovered the wonder that is the "safety line" and keep a tapestry needle and some unwaxed dental floss in my "junk" bag.

Soon, I will have another source of yarns for knitting. I've joined the ranks of the spinners (I'm an old spinster now...all I need is a few more cats then I can become the crazy old witch that lives down the street with all the cats). I've got two lovely Golding drop spindles (a light one for fine fibers and a heavier one for heavier wools) and a Kromski Sonata portable spinning wheel (Happy Birthday to me) that I'm learning. Pretty soon it's going to be "full service...knit/crochet, spin, dye. I may have to draw the line at raising the fiber animals. The landlord probably wouldn't appreciate it much and I'm not sure how sheepy/goaty critters would do in the tropics. I would like to add a dying operation when I can find an appropriate place to handle the chemicals.

By the way, I'm currently on the lookout for some nice patio furniture for the back so I can sit out there and enjoy a cuppa or maybe a meal.  Read or even spin outside.  I've got this lovely weather, I would like to enjoy it!

Found out that our favorite hangout for Monday night knitting had a kitchen fire and is ,more than likely, closed for at least a few weeks. Looks like we'll need to relocate for a bit.


Finally, I got all the planets aligned and got my handicapped placards for the car. It's not so much the getting into the place of business, it's getting out when the shopping's done. It will make getting to work much easier, too.  Hopefully I will soon have the local doctors straightened around.  They apparently have some misapprehensions about my personal level of knowledge nor can they seem to grasp that when I was in Korea, I was NOT treated by the military and that real live Korean hospitals are different (and unless they speak/read Korean, my medical records (such as they are) will be useless.  For instance, the Korean concept of pain management is to ignore it, so I had NO treatment for my back issues.  NO physio, no medication, no support.  Just one very rude older female doctor who demanded I submit to injections of some mystery substance into my spine (right then, right now...you come with me, get injection now).  She flat refused to discuss the contents of the mystery injection, possible aftereffects, side effects, duration, goal (what it was supposed to heal, cure, help)...nothing. For all I knew, it could've been 50cc of Brylcreem, for God's sakes. Needless to say, that was met with a resounding no from me.  If you are not willing to discuss the particulars of a treatment with your patient, then you're hiding something and I'm not going to play along with that.

After that kind of medical care and knowing the fact that American Doctors think that everyone who asks for help with the management of severe, chronic pain is only looking for narcotics to either feed their addiction or sell on the street, I don't hold out too much promise for any relief/assistance.  Hell, having a qualified massage therapist to work with would help a lot, but I can't seem to get a referral.  I mention physical therapy to build up my back and other supporting structures  and am ignored.  I'm also fully expecting to be labeled as depressed because I have chronic pain.  Trust me...I'm anything but depressed.  I just keep on,  making my days, adapting along the way, so I can still do what I want to do, when I want to do it.