Two Weeks Today...

It hit me on the way home from work...I will never hold him, never touch his skin (and he had the softest skin), never run my fingers through his hair or stroke his beard. I will never kiss him again.

I ache to touch him. I ache to the absolute core of me. I never thought ANYTHING could hurt this badly.

Day by Day...

It's been 11 days since my DH transitioned. You know, I've never cared for the term "passed away". It sounds so manufactured. His body, his physical manifestation, is dead. His spirit/soul/whatever it is that makes us human has transitioned to another form. While I don't profess to know what happens when our spirits transition to another form, I do strongly consider that, as related to the law of conservation of mass and energy, the energy that was my DH is still in the universe. What it's next form will be is anyone's guess. My hope is that, since that energy was shaped by love, gave and received love, that when it assumes a new form it will be one of love.

We had talked about this kind of philosophy many times. We used to have the best discussions, exploring all kinds of topics, both those that were a bit off the wall and those that were as mundane as mud. Politics, religion, art, science, food...we enjoyed all that, exploring new ideas and new foods like kids at one of those interactive museums.

This kind of exploration and sharing is one of the things that I will miss most. The simple pleasure of tasting something new and hurrying to share it..."Hey, sweetheart...taste THIS!!".

On a more practical note...I have started pecking away at our house. As I find his belongings, I am putting them in a box. Later, maybe much later, I will go through those things in detail and make the necessary decisions. Same thing goes with his clothes. There are things that should go to charity, although not here in Korea as they're way to big for the local population. I will probably ship them back to a friend for drop off at Goodwill or Salvation Army. There are a few shirts that I will keep because I will rpobably wear them. Including the last Hawaiian shirt I bought him. He only wore it once and with some slight alterations, I should be able to wear it myself. He really liked that shirt, so I will keep that one.

Starting Over

You know, I had never intended for this blog to be a journal of my trek into a new life phase. Even when someone is ill, you really never think of what things will be like when they are gone. My DH had been ill for a long time. Actually, he had heart problems when I met him. I remember people questioning why I would want to have a long term relationship with someone who kind of had a "clock" ticking. One so called friend even suggested that I divorce him because of his heart problem.

Think about that for a minute...what kind of love allows you to walk away from someone you love and who loves you UNCONDITIONALLY just because they have a health problem? I had made certain promises to my husband...like, in sickness and health, and I try to ALWAYS keep my promises. He would NEVER have abandoned ME, how could I abandon HIM. Besides, I knew about his illness when we married and up till this year, you could NOT tell there was a thing wrong with him. I never could figure out that woman and, frankly, I'm glad that I no longer have her in my life. Perfect example of a toxic relationship.

It's odd, in a way...This last illness kept my DH away from home for so long that, at least right now, I don't miss having him in my bed. I miss not having him to talk to or touch, but right now, sleeping alone is not causing me difficulty. Oh, I know, it could all change at the drop of a hat, and probably will, but for right now, what I miss most is holding hands and just talking about mundane, ordinary things.

Finished

My darling husband's fight ended this morning at 4:43 am, Korea time, January 2, 2009. He missed our 13th wedding anniversary by two days.

I have now joined the ranks of the widows. My heart is broken. His suffering is over, but, I fear, that mine is just beginning.