30 September 2010

Early Fall

It's the first of October and I'm basically miserable.  I'm become a sad old woman.  I go home every night to my cat, watch a little tube or work the yarns (spinning, knitting, dyeing, etc).  I've given up school at least for the monent because I just don't have the strenget to do school AND work.

Work has become a misery.  Called division chief, I am constantly sabotaged and undermined.  I have "staff" who do whatever they want to do.  I couldn't get a weekly progress report even by begging.  Anyone and everyone else with an involvement feels free to task my employees with whatever, but I get schooled for asking a team member to complete a minor task.  My former boss, who was displaced by upper management and given a new assignment has taken to "directing and tasking" me as though I was unable to determine actions form meetings and emails..  I'm perfectly capable of deriving actions from emails and meetings.  I don't need him to tell me what to do.  He was supposed to be out of the office weeks ago and he's still there.  The rest of the team have decided that they either work for him or they work for a higher level up.  A weekly report on the progress of the team was pointedly ignored

I am treated less than respectfully,  team members show up, uninvited to project team meetings( note that they are NOT members of the team).  They constantly interrupt me when I'm speaking, one of them actually shushed me by raising his hand to MY MOUTH as I was trying to answer a question put directly to me.  Employees have flatly refused to take on a minor tasks I asked for.  Somehow I have to bring this crowd of men into line and get what I'm entitled to as a manager and do it professionally.  I think I'd rather walk away, but I can't.  Previous boss presumes to speak on my behalf whether he's been asked to or not.

I do NOT know how to bring these people into line and it's making me crazy!  I know I can do this, I just need some damn help to make it real.  I"m beginning to think I need to bring Lady Dorothy into the mix and maybe have a small dance in the back yard..

I am exhausted, physically and emotionally.  I need to take time off work, but can not because I fear that I will have no job to return to,  "They're" standing in line to push me out.  I would simply have no job left to return to .  It's bad enough that I'm going to a training class soon.  I'll be gone for, probably a few days and it would be the perfect time to have a friendly little neighborhood coup.  Since we all know how that ends up...They are heros and I am jobless scum.

I've become so low that I've begun thinking curtailment, even though I love where I am, and I know that curtailment would ruin ANY possibility I might ever have to get promoted and with a curtailment on my record, no other field site on this (or any other) planet will ever have me.

Add to all this is that I'm tired and dreadfully lonely.  There's so many times that I really need a hug, or I just need to be held...and I got nothin.  Every night, it's the same lonely bed, cold on that one side.  Every night...no one but the cat and TV to talk to.  Rarely, I wish it just all be over.  I need someone to cuddle. It's been years since I've been touched and I wonder if I'll ever get a little snog ever again.  Truly given up hope for a shag, but a snog would be really help.

Enough wankery...it' time to be off to bed.

Perhaps tomorrow will be better.

15 September 2010

Can ya believe it's been a year??

2 Sept 2010

Definitely time to take a mo and revisit the blog.  I celebrated the first day of my new life in Hawaii exactly one year ago...yesterday.  I've really changed a lot since I got here.  Having gotten away from the stifling life in Korea, where every attempt on my part to give value and make a difference were rebuffed and sabotaged, I started over in Honolulu. I went from being part of a family an ensemble if you will, albeit a small one, to being a solo act.  I miss my late husband dearly.  Occasionally, it still overwhelms me, especially then there are things that I would share with him.  There's loneliness here, and lots of it even though I have some dear friends that I prize more than quiviut, cashmere, or silk (knitters will know what I mean)  There are nice places to go to eat , some concerts to go to (although the Honolulu Symphony is apparently no more).  More importantly, I have dear friends to share my new life.  Go ahead and mock me, but sometines it's kind of like when Doctor Who regenerates and he ends up a different man.  I came here and am regenerating into a new person.

Some days later...

I belong to a knitting group that is fun, loving, and pretty outrageous and I love them.  They bring out some really good stuff in me and I like it.  My job?  Well, that's different a bit.  I started off as the deputy to a smart man with a very strong personality who maybe wasn't the best at sharing with other people.  Things developed and changed and he was assigned to oversee a specific task.  I was elevated to a Division Chief's position and all of a sudden became responsible for managing two of the most complicated projects you could imagine.  I've managed construction of industrial factories in swamps and the historic restoration of 200+ year old buildings and I've had nothing yet that had as many moving parts and political players as these.  I swear if I ever get time off, I'm going to go hide in the hills of York or Ireland and make them find me.  A Scottish mountain top is also appealing.  BTW, it looks like I'll be doing this job till at lease 2015.

Today was a particularly miserable day in a string of miserable days.  I've been working overtime because I'm been required to attend day long offsite meetings and still have to go into the office either before or after to make care of the daily things.  This man I used to work for and now am a peer has a knack of attacking my self esteem and skills when I'm tired or not feeling well.  He got me again today, criticizing my competence and level of understanding.  The first comment was a remark that if I had trouble understanding his email, I should ask him...all delivered in a very patronizing way.   He's always ready to step in and heroically "save the day" if he perceives a vacuum and it would make his year if he could swoop in make everything all wonderful and save the projects from little old incompetent me.  Wouldn't he be wonderful?  I always feel as though I'm watching over my shoulder because he's just waiting for the chance to make me look bad and I can no longer trust him.

I've also got a really bad case of the lonesomes.  Found out a nephew was getting married this weekend.  Found it out on facebook.  Nevermind something ordinary like maybe an invitation.  Who knows...if they had bothered to send me an invitation, they might have gotten a gift.  Now they get nothing.  It's so wonderful to belong to a family that doesn't acknowledge you're alive.  The late husband's family is no better...They don't respond to contact or volunteer any.  The only thing I can think of is they blame me for his death. 

So I occasionally have these spells where I get weepy and sad and lonely.  They always pass...eventually.  During these tender times, I always long for intimacy and physical contact.  I am rarely touched anymore and I miss that.  Michael and I were quite physical, not obnoxious or rude about it, but we were hand holders and would walk with our arms around each other.  At tables our legs or knees were always touching.  I miss that.

Well, this pity party has gone on long enough.  It's bedtime.  NiNight my dears.