15 September 2010

Can ya believe it's been a year??

2 Sept 2010

Definitely time to take a mo and revisit the blog.  I celebrated the first day of my new life in Hawaii exactly one year ago...yesterday.  I've really changed a lot since I got here.  Having gotten away from the stifling life in Korea, where every attempt on my part to give value and make a difference were rebuffed and sabotaged, I started over in Honolulu. I went from being part of a family an ensemble if you will, albeit a small one, to being a solo act.  I miss my late husband dearly.  Occasionally, it still overwhelms me, especially then there are things that I would share with him.  There's loneliness here, and lots of it even though I have some dear friends that I prize more than quiviut, cashmere, or silk (knitters will know what I mean)  There are nice places to go to eat , some concerts to go to (although the Honolulu Symphony is apparently no more).  More importantly, I have dear friends to share my new life.  Go ahead and mock me, but sometines it's kind of like when Doctor Who regenerates and he ends up a different man.  I came here and am regenerating into a new person.

Some days later...

I belong to a knitting group that is fun, loving, and pretty outrageous and I love them.  They bring out some really good stuff in me and I like it.  My job?  Well, that's different a bit.  I started off as the deputy to a smart man with a very strong personality who maybe wasn't the best at sharing with other people.  Things developed and changed and he was assigned to oversee a specific task.  I was elevated to a Division Chief's position and all of a sudden became responsible for managing two of the most complicated projects you could imagine.  I've managed construction of industrial factories in swamps and the historic restoration of 200+ year old buildings and I've had nothing yet that had as many moving parts and political players as these.  I swear if I ever get time off, I'm going to go hide in the hills of York or Ireland and make them find me.  A Scottish mountain top is also appealing.  BTW, it looks like I'll be doing this job till at lease 2015.

Today was a particularly miserable day in a string of miserable days.  I've been working overtime because I'm been required to attend day long offsite meetings and still have to go into the office either before or after to make care of the daily things.  This man I used to work for and now am a peer has a knack of attacking my self esteem and skills when I'm tired or not feeling well.  He got me again today, criticizing my competence and level of understanding.  The first comment was a remark that if I had trouble understanding his email, I should ask him...all delivered in a very patronizing way.   He's always ready to step in and heroically "save the day" if he perceives a vacuum and it would make his year if he could swoop in make everything all wonderful and save the projects from little old incompetent me.  Wouldn't he be wonderful?  I always feel as though I'm watching over my shoulder because he's just waiting for the chance to make me look bad and I can no longer trust him.

I've also got a really bad case of the lonesomes.  Found out a nephew was getting married this weekend.  Found it out on facebook.  Nevermind something ordinary like maybe an invitation.  Who knows...if they had bothered to send me an invitation, they might have gotten a gift.  Now they get nothing.  It's so wonderful to belong to a family that doesn't acknowledge you're alive.  The late husband's family is no better...They don't respond to contact or volunteer any.  The only thing I can think of is they blame me for his death. 

So I occasionally have these spells where I get weepy and sad and lonely.  They always pass...eventually.  During these tender times, I always long for intimacy and physical contact.  I am rarely touched anymore and I miss that.  Michael and I were quite physical, not obnoxious or rude about it, but we were hand holders and would walk with our arms around each other.  At tables our legs or knees were always touching.  I miss that.

Well, this pity party has gone on long enough.  It's bedtime.  NiNight my dears.

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