23 June 2009

One Month Closer...

I'm one month closer to leaving Korea. Thank God, I am SO ready to leave this place.

I went today to the Mortuary services office to pick up my dearest husbands ashes. Up to today, I had been doing pretty well. Keeping myself together, fed, sane. I'd stopped (for the most part) crying myself to sleep. I guess it's all going to come back for a while, since I've opened up the "wound" again.

I have been going to work regularly, even being productive, or at least, as productive as a short timer can be. I had started cooking a bit. I never had the knack of cooking for one or two. There were always massive leftovers. Cook for 8,10, 50...NO problem. Now there's only me. I try to keep away from the processed foods, to eat healthier and not "fall back" on that processed stuff. That will be easier when I get to Hawaii. The sanity facet, well, that was always a bit of a question. After all, sanity IS relative ;-) and I've always been a tiny bit crazy.

Anyway, I got his urn back to the apartment with out breaking down. I had put one of his favorite Grateful Dead albums on the cd player for the drive. Once I got him in the house, though, I fell apart. I sat on the floor, clutching that damned urn sobbing and rocking for a good hour. The cat, bless his little feline heart, sat right next to me the whole time I melted down. He understands.

I've put his urn on the table near the front window. He liked that view (it's really the only one we had in the apartment). This weekend, when I don't have to act like I'm together, I will have a bit of ritual for him. Flowers, candles, the hippy incense that he liked. I will use that time to try to let go a little bit more and remember the wonderfulness that was my darling Irishman. Then I will pack his ashes in a safe place so that they will be shipped to my new home.

When I get to my new home, I will find a secure place for his ashes. I don't want to dwell on his death, just to deal. But even though he's gone from "this place" I will truly love him, as I promised, forever. Even if someone shows up in the future that I can care about, I will ALWAYS love my darling Irishman.