30 September 2010

Early Fall

It's the first of October and I'm basically miserable.  I'm become a sad old woman.  I go home every night to my cat, watch a little tube or work the yarns (spinning, knitting, dyeing, etc).  I've given up school at least for the monent because I just don't have the strenget to do school AND work.

Work has become a misery.  Called division chief, I am constantly sabotaged and undermined.  I have "staff" who do whatever they want to do.  I couldn't get a weekly progress report even by begging.  Anyone and everyone else with an involvement feels free to task my employees with whatever, but I get schooled for asking a team member to complete a minor task.  My former boss, who was displaced by upper management and given a new assignment has taken to "directing and tasking" me as though I was unable to determine actions form meetings and emails..  I'm perfectly capable of deriving actions from emails and meetings.  I don't need him to tell me what to do.  He was supposed to be out of the office weeks ago and he's still there.  The rest of the team have decided that they either work for him or they work for a higher level up.  A weekly report on the progress of the team was pointedly ignored

I am treated less than respectfully,  team members show up, uninvited to project team meetings( note that they are NOT members of the team).  They constantly interrupt me when I'm speaking, one of them actually shushed me by raising his hand to MY MOUTH as I was trying to answer a question put directly to me.  Employees have flatly refused to take on a minor tasks I asked for.  Somehow I have to bring this crowd of men into line and get what I'm entitled to as a manager and do it professionally.  I think I'd rather walk away, but I can't.  Previous boss presumes to speak on my behalf whether he's been asked to or not.

I do NOT know how to bring these people into line and it's making me crazy!  I know I can do this, I just need some damn help to make it real.  I"m beginning to think I need to bring Lady Dorothy into the mix and maybe have a small dance in the back yard..

I am exhausted, physically and emotionally.  I need to take time off work, but can not because I fear that I will have no job to return to,  "They're" standing in line to push me out.  I would simply have no job left to return to .  It's bad enough that I'm going to a training class soon.  I'll be gone for, probably a few days and it would be the perfect time to have a friendly little neighborhood coup.  Since we all know how that ends up...They are heros and I am jobless scum.

I've become so low that I've begun thinking curtailment, even though I love where I am, and I know that curtailment would ruin ANY possibility I might ever have to get promoted and with a curtailment on my record, no other field site on this (or any other) planet will ever have me.

Add to all this is that I'm tired and dreadfully lonely.  There's so many times that I really need a hug, or I just need to be held...and I got nothin.  Every night, it's the same lonely bed, cold on that one side.  Every night...no one but the cat and TV to talk to.  Rarely, I wish it just all be over.  I need someone to cuddle. It's been years since I've been touched and I wonder if I'll ever get a little snog ever again.  Truly given up hope for a shag, but a snog would be really help.

Enough wankery...it' time to be off to bed.

Perhaps tomorrow will be better.

No comments: