06 April 2010

It's been a year. I can't really believe it. (Originally posted 15 Jan 2010)

It has been just over a year since Michael died. Some days it seems like I'm right in the middle of it all over again. Other days, it feels like the whole drama has been over forever and life was always the way it is right now, complete with that empty "Michael shaped" hole. He's always with me and there are times I want to hold him again and it hurts so bad. There are things I do that I wish I could share with him, but I do them anyway, because I know he would enjoy knowing that I was enjoying something. I have far more "good" days than bad days, but there are days where the lonliness kind of pervades the house. Feels kind of like a constant light, cool rain, sometimes there are rainbows at the end. The sadness never lasts for long. The cat comes by to annoy me, or I find some wonderful music, or a great show on telly. Sometimes all it takes is a well knit piece of some garment or throw. Best booster lately is a well spun length of wool. Or I go out and meet up with my friends and we knit and laugh and tell stories.

It's interesting to note that since I left Korea, my blood pressure has returned to normal, my adrenalin levels have dropped back to normal because I'm not constantly feeling the need to run away or beat the living crap out of someone. Also the amount of stress caused by people constantly lying to you is a thing of the past. Funny how that urge to rip out a throat or two diminishes when you're treated honestly, respectfully, and kindly.

My latest doctor doesn't quite get it. He's convinced that I have hypertension. My last reading was 104/65. He's agreed to d/c one of my blood pressure meds but is convinced that I will return in two weeks with headaches and soaring pressure. The only thing that would cause that would to be told that I had to go back to Korea. Now, since I like my kidneys, I'll gladly stick with the ACE inhibitor

My life has gone better here than I could've hoped. I have wonderful friends who make me laugh and who laugh at my lousy jokes. I work with good people where I"m respected (wow what a change!)

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