23 May 2009

It's been a while...

It's about time I came back here. The trip to Australia was lovely and it will ALWAYS be one of my favorite places on the planet. The country is fabulous and the people are the best. Perhaps some day I will live there for a while.

Bur for the foreseeable future, I will be living in Hawaii. Yes, the question came and I made my decision. I took the offer from Hawaii and will be moving there in the next 100 days or so. I am becoming more and more excited by the prospect of a new job, new environment, new home, new start. The dear husband has been gone now almost five months and while it's still a gaping hole in my heart, it's not quite as bloody as it's been. I guess it's healing. Don't get me wrong, I still break down, sometimes at the most inopportune moments, but it's less frequent and a little less wrenching.

I took a step back a few weeks ago and had a real moment of self realization. I had, quite unconsciously, started doing things, making changes, that seemed to indicate that I was in a period of reinvention. I have changed some personal things that I never would've changed were my husband still alive. I've cut off my once almost waist length hair to a quite short (for me) bob thing. I'm gradually changing my wardrobe. I still am his wife, best friend, partner and will always be, but I'm also becoming "Me after Him". Occasionally, I make computer sketches of what I would like my new home in Hawaii to look like. I'm working with colors that resonate with me...blues, turquoises, greens. Watery colors, sea colors, (for me) life colors. I have an urge to decorate my new spaces. Maybe to decorate my new life, too. We never decorated much. Even in the home we owned, the walls stayed white, we didn't hang pictures on the walls, and not much in the way of gardening or decorating outside. We had quite the spare style. I'm attracted to something more colorful, perhaps with a few collected "things" about to be admired or stimulate memories. I want my home to look like I actually live in it. Bless his heart, but he didn't have much use for "things". I guess that was the "hippie" part of him.

Don't misunderstand, he never controlled me or "molded" me into what he thought I should be. He was always happy with, supported, and loved who and what I was, but I'm changing. I'm still me, but I'm different. I am at an age and stage that I would have been even if he had not died, making the natural transition as the mysterious menopause has come to my doorstep. Physically and mentally I am changing as I grow into the next phase of my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm expanding somehow. It might be my attitude, my consciousness, or my view, I don't rightly know just yet, but it will be interesting to see what I become in the next few years as I build a new life on my own.

I've begun sorting and culling the apartment here in earnest. I will have people to do the actual packing, but I need to sort two separate shipments, a "fast" shipment that should arrive shortly after I do, that will have enough necessities with which to get by, The other shipment that comes later is basically the rest of my stuff. My two suitcases are big enough to handle my clothes and some knitting/embroidery projects, I will have a carry-on, and I will have the cat. Actually quite a bit of "stuff" to wrestle through the various airports/immigration/customs/quarantine. It's a bit intimidating, looking towards mustering all that by my self. I guess I had better bring cash for the "sherpa".

It seems that as we move down our life's path, we spend more time saying good bye. This weekend, Memorial Day weekend in the US, was the weekend three years ago when my previous furbaby, Booger, transitioned to the Rainbow Bridge. He was 17.5 years old. I still miss his furryness and his attitude. In his imperiously catty way, he helped me get through my mother's death. 17 years is a long time to be with anyone. I miss him. I also miss Mom at times. She transitioned some 20 years ago, the 30th of January. I was so wrapped around the husband's transition that I was not able to make my annual remembrance to her, but I'm sure she understood. This weekend as I'm remembering a best furfriend, I will remember Mom and Husband and I will picture them all together, happy, healthy, and waiting for that day when we're all together.

So it's Memorial Day. Take a moment to remember your loved ones who have gone and those who daily give their all, even their very lives to do their jobs in support of our country and its people. They all deserve our thanks and respect.

1 comment:

Ann of Green Cables said...

Hello: I found your blog while reading one of your posts on Ravelry. I was moved by your words today, and admire your courage. Women, in my opinion, are always saying "Farewell" to parts of their lives. In doing so, we should cherish the good memories and let go of the 'not so good'. I had to reinvent myself (at age 49) and all in all it's been an exciting journey. I wish you the best in your 'new' life. Your blog is one I will definately follow. Mar.