31 December 2008

1 JAN 2009

Yesterday, we moved my DH to the ICU for the really critical patients. Virtually all the patients in this unit are on ventilators. The dear man is also on a ventilator, and 24 hour dialysis. He improved briefly, but his organs are failing and he is no longer responding to treatments. The doctors have told me that it's only a matter of time. We also discussed options for resuscitation. I had to tell them that, because his heart is so damaged and now the other organs are so damaged, not to rescusitate. This is called, in America, a DNR. The HARDEST thing I have ever had to do was to tell them that if he stopped breathing or his heart stopped, they were to let him die. I can NOT put my dearest love in all the world through the pain of resuscitation for no good outcome. So...sooner or later, more likely sooner, the best thing that ever happened to me, my best friend, lover, husband, and partner, will leave me. I will be alone, and some of the light will go out of my life.

I have come to understand, through this, that I have more friends and people who genuinely care for me than I ever imagined. I am getting help, support, and love from people that I never imagined would care so much. This is humbling. Yet, with all this, I am in agony.

I want to never stop screaming. You know, when you were a kid and you might have sprinkled salt on that yucky slimy slug that had escaped the garden? Remember how he writhed and squirmed? That's how I feel right now...I'm writhing and squirming in pain, trying to crawl away from the burning, and hoping that, if it won't stop, that it will lessen.

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