04 February 2010

Made it through January

So, I made it through the first year of no Michael. It's been awfully hard. I miss being able to reach out and touch him. I always felt so warm and safe with him. He would come into the kitchen and come up from behind me and just wrap his arms around me, lay his cheek in the top of my head and just hug. I loved it when he did that. He would come up behind me as I sat at the computer and give my shoulders a little rub and nuzzle my neck a little.

We were a very physical couple. Oh, not in that skanky, kissy-wissy, make-out in public kind of way, but we held hands a lot or walked arm in arm. Usually, when we sat together either our shoulders or thighs were touching. I miss the touching so much that I dream about it sometimes. I had a wonderful dream, not long after he died that he came to me as I was sleeping and gently brushed the hair from my forehead and softly kissed me. Then he was gone. It woke me up. Just the other night, I had another dream that he had come up behind me like he used to and just wrapped his arms around me and held me with his chin gently resting on my shoulder. I could feel so much love and security. I wanted that feeling to last forever. That dream woke me up, too.

I miss the touching, the closeness. I miss the warm, safe feeling I got when he held me. At the risk of making this sound self pitying, it hurts to realize That I will never be held again. Never to be touched, he never to have my back scratched again, never to be held again, never to have silly little "nothings" murmured in my ear.

I think the hardest part of adapting to Michael's absence is adapting to the lack of touch.

Otherwise, with the exception of missing Michael, I'm quite likely the happiest I've ever been. I've got a great job with people that are honest, respect me, seem to like me, and are glad I'm there (what a switch, honest management!) I LOVE Hawaii and am considering selling the house to buy one here.

I looked at a picture of the rental house the other day and it made me so sad. Michael and I were going to retire there, but without him, I just can't bear to look at what might have been our future. We had made so many plans to fix that little house up. So many flowers and plants (Michael was a wonderful gardener). Now the house just makes me sad because it deserves to be loved and I just don't really care anymore except that Michael loved the house. Without him, that house could never be my home.

New developments?? I've taken up hand spinning fiber from a drop spindle. Maybe pictures next time.

I'm making progress. I have a job I love. I make good money (Thank Deity). My health is still ok, except for my back. I'm a lucky broad and I'm grateful to Michael, because so much of this was put into motion when we were a couple just visualizing our way to a good life. Now I just have to keep working. Keep concentrating on all that is right and good and helping others when I can. AND not to forget to be grateful for my friends and opportunities.

Thanks y'all...you know who you are!