It's been a mildly cool month here in Hawaii for the last couple of weeks. Far too dry and the plants are showing it. My apartment has a sprinkler system, so I only pay attention to it when the water bill comes in. I'm getting little urges to get some containers and some plants and brighten up the front entrance (shade lovers) and back yard (more direct sun). I'm thinking herbs and some flowering stuff. I need to research orchids. I wanted orchids when Michael and I lived in Korea, but he always thought the house was too dry for them. OK ,if the front "porch" is not too shady, I could try one or two inexpensive ones there, Maybe a little bench to sit there and enjoy the plants and the Chicken Sisters. Listen to tunes and knit or do some handspinning. Watch the bowl of lucky bamboo and the unique orchids.
I sow some orchids this evening as I waded through walmart looking for a nice chaise and cushions and a table for hanging out the back door. Crapped out on the chair, but saw an orchid that I swear was black. I want it, I want to see if I can grow the darn thing! I also want culinary herbs on the back porch...basil, oregano, rosemary, maybe some others. I want to see if I can grow some tomatoes. Everything has to be containerized as I'm sure that the LandLord (LL) would not appreciate me digging up the back yard. Frankly, my back wouldn't appreciate my digging up the lawn either.
I've been working on the house, albeit slowly as there's something going on with my feeties that make standing up for more than 45 minutes painful. I need to get some more stuff unpacked, but the problem is what do I do with it between unpackaging and putting away. I found a brandy new tower fan that I'd bought in the PX in Korea before I PCSed. It's all new, so I will take it up to the bedroom since the old one there is squeaky. It's good to have the air problem taken care of before it gets hot this summer.
I'm finding bits of the kitchen. I think I'll get rid of all the mismatched corelle and get a new set that matches everything. I'd like to get rid of all the mismatched stainless and get a nice service for 4 there, too. Also going to get rid of all the bent up cookie sheets, pans, and other bake-wear that's gone gnarly. I can get new, I can afford it. Two things I can't wait to find are the Kitchen Aid mixer (I plan on pimping it up with Hawaiian type stickers rather than flames. Every Alton Brown wannabe has flames on their kitchen aid). The Mighty Mixer of Aloha will improve the bread side of the house and enable lots of other culinary techniques.
I found my cheap Japanese mandolin that makes slicing vege so much more fun. I also found ball jars at the store. There could be a small batch of variously pickled beets coming our way. I know that canner pot is somewhere! I'm also looking for the food sucker as I'm tired of throwing things away because I can't get around to eating them. I'm just on the verge of getting a new one and when the other one is found, gifting it to a young family (Navy or AF) who can save some food budget by sealing their leftovers.
I have this idea that I can get two sets of nice professional steel five shelf units (like the ones the Koreans ruined), drag out the sewing machine and some attractive aloha fabric for covers and use them in my little dining area to store stuff I dont' have room for in the really tiny cabinets. Making covers for them will keep the stuff in it is kept private and clean (the covers can be easily washed). There's also room under the stairs for a small bookshelf that will take care of the cookbooks. My dining table is really quite small (seats 4 comfortably), so there's room in that area for the shelves.
The house will come slowly. The hardest part is that there's no place to out the "de-boxed" stuff till I get more boxes out. It's a compounding kind of problem. Stuff may go from one room to another till enough is cleared out that things can be arranged. I would like to have one of the bedrooms cleared out enough to accommodate a blow-up mattress and guest, although I don't know when I would be comfortable enough to actually let someone else stay in my place. I want to cook and have friends over, but it seems right now that would be a first floor only proposition (public vice private part of the house).
I've been exploring spinning wheels and found a couple that I would consider buying. the problem is that most of the mainland companies want to charge exorbitant fees to ship. One website I went to today wanted $96 to ship what would amount to 12 lb or less in a box about 20x20x6 (in it's original packaging, no fancy repacking) for the UPS ground fee (from the UPS website) of approximately $56 plus an unexplained upcharge of an additional $40. Now, Mr, Wheelshop owner. Can you please tell me what the additional $40 is for? I don't mind paying honest shipping charges, but don't think I'm going to sit back and accept your gouge simply because I'm lucky enough to live in Hawaii. I am NOT above ordering your merchandise which you gleefully ship for free to the 48 states and having it sent to my best friend, who will forward it to me in Hawaii for the (non-inflated) shipping cost.
I find that I need to choose merchants carefully as SOME (not all) have no problem charging the customer almost the entire cost of the item purchased to ship it to the island. I know this to be true from personal experience! The moral of this rant it to always check and verify YOUR shipping costs before you order.
All this sounds really nice, but getting motivated to actually do this is not easy. I have my days when I don't feel like doing ANYTHING after work but sitting quietly and knitting or watching a movie. It's been 14 months since Michael died, and it feels like a splinter of glass in my heart every day. There's so much I want to tell him and I need his support and encouragement so badly.
But I just keep on keeping on.
27 February 2010
14 February 2010
Valentine's Day 2010
The late husband and I had a tradition for V-Day that started when he was hospitalized after falling off a second story roof. He had broken his pelvis in 5 places and shattered his left elbow, so he wasn't going anywhere for a while. He'd been beefing about the lousy hospital food, so on the way to visit him, I stopped at a local grocery and bought a pair of 8" tapers, holders for the candles, and a bouquet of flowers. Then I went by our favorite Middle Eastern carryout and built a dinner for two. Quick like a bunny, I hied myself off to the hospital while dinner was still warm and surprised him with a full out Valentine dinner. The floor nurses loved it and left us alone all evening.
After that, we ALWAYS had Middle Eastern food for Valentines. Even in Seoul, we had Middle Eastern food for Valentine's Day. I may well find myself a Middle Eastern restaurant today. Then again, I may not.
I recently got myself a drop spindle after I was started down the road of fibery compulsion by a friend. I've been spinning at least a little bit every day. I even took the spindle to work the other day because I anticipated some downtime. I've taught myself to put spin on with my feet (which makes for a much longer yarn before you have to wind on). I've been looking at fiber online, trying to decide what I want to spin next. I love the feel of the fibers and I love that with no more than a simple twist, I can make that handful of fluffy stuff into strong, beautiful, useful yarn. Cool.
I am tempted by so much...silk caps and hankies that are already dyed or that I could dye myself (maybe should not consider using dyes in a rented home, yah?). Tussah silk top/roving that shines in the light. Silk/merino blends or BFL. Corriedale. Blends with other fibers...There's SO much to try. I'm also looking at spinning wheels because I would like to be able to make enough plied yarn for larger projects. I'm lucky in that I can afford these things.
I'm taking some time off work in the next few weeks and I will use that time to get my kitchen FINALLY in order. The urge to cook has become overwhelming. So much so that I've been reconsidering the cookbook library. It's kind of hard finding cookbooks that are NOT geared to the beginner or amateur home cook. I feel my skills are beyond that, so I look for specialized books. I may have to move on to the professional "text" books and learn to rely on myself to compose meals from the components I have already learned. Pick a protein and a starch. A nice vege, maybe a sauce to go with. Consider other parts of the meal and really think about the wine or other drink to go with. Don't forget dessert or SOUP! Appetizers.
I wonder if the occasional dinner party would be possible (after the house is organized and guest ready). I could invite friends from work like Sherry and Terry, or George and Cathy. Robert and Chioko, too. There would be times to pull out the grill and take the party to the back yard. Maybe once or twice a month. I just need to cook and there is so much lovely food here in Hawaii. Wonderful produce and the best tasting tomatoes I've EVER eaten. If I can score some tomorrow with some whole milk buffalo mozzarella, I feel a Caprese salad coming on.
I think I'll price some outdoor furniture...you know, a table and chairs, maybe a chaise or glider, too. Don't want the back to look redneck trashy, but would like a comfortable place to eat and handout outside. It would also require some potted plants and other container gardening.
May as well see if I can get the old bread process going again, although, if I can find a fine crusty french baguette or an Italian with "chew' I may stick to biscuits and "pastry". I'll bet I can still make a wicked scratch chokkie cake and creme brulee's are easy peasy.
I'm also going by the Wholepaycheck this weekend to try some fish maybe, a handful of fingerling potatoes. check the other meat sections...expand the cheese rep and maybe MAYBE get a bottle of wine and try again. A nice slab of grilled, slightly smoked, wild salmon with smashed potatoes, maybe something green with (need to look for fish compatible green veg. And a lovely bottle of Western Pacific (Wilamette valley etc.) Pinot Noir with lots of dark cherries and black raspberry. I like my wines Big Forward and fruity. I just need to find a way to keep the wine fresh so I don't have to try to drink the whole bottle myself. After all, If you're going to test the recipe, you've got to taste the whole thing. You wouldn't an otherwise well prepared dinner ruined because the wine is shit.
Well, I'm missing Michael again, but I will always miss Michael. There will always be a spot in my heart where Michael lives, for we gave our hearts to each other and I know he carries my heart still, even though he's gone on ahead to the Summerlands and waits near the bridge. Michael would be delighted at the idea of having people over for a dinner party. He loved entertaining. I may yet chicken out...the solitude is so comforting at times. I would still like some outdoor furniture to enjoy this Hawaii weather. Perhaps while I'm out I can stop by costco, or home depot and check out the Irish Furniture (at least an adjustable chaise and a side table.
After that, we ALWAYS had Middle Eastern food for Valentines. Even in Seoul, we had Middle Eastern food for Valentine's Day. I may well find myself a Middle Eastern restaurant today. Then again, I may not.
I recently got myself a drop spindle after I was started down the road of fibery compulsion by a friend. I've been spinning at least a little bit every day. I even took the spindle to work the other day because I anticipated some downtime. I've taught myself to put spin on with my feet (which makes for a much longer yarn before you have to wind on). I've been looking at fiber online, trying to decide what I want to spin next. I love the feel of the fibers and I love that with no more than a simple twist, I can make that handful of fluffy stuff into strong, beautiful, useful yarn. Cool.
I am tempted by so much...silk caps and hankies that are already dyed or that I could dye myself (maybe should not consider using dyes in a rented home, yah?). Tussah silk top/roving that shines in the light. Silk/merino blends or BFL. Corriedale. Blends with other fibers...There's SO much to try. I'm also looking at spinning wheels because I would like to be able to make enough plied yarn for larger projects. I'm lucky in that I can afford these things.
I'm taking some time off work in the next few weeks and I will use that time to get my kitchen FINALLY in order. The urge to cook has become overwhelming. So much so that I've been reconsidering the cookbook library. It's kind of hard finding cookbooks that are NOT geared to the beginner or amateur home cook. I feel my skills are beyond that, so I look for specialized books. I may have to move on to the professional "text" books and learn to rely on myself to compose meals from the components I have already learned. Pick a protein and a starch. A nice vege, maybe a sauce to go with. Consider other parts of the meal and really think about the wine or other drink to go with. Don't forget dessert or SOUP! Appetizers.
I wonder if the occasional dinner party would be possible (after the house is organized and guest ready). I could invite friends from work like Sherry and Terry, or George and Cathy. Robert and Chioko, too. There would be times to pull out the grill and take the party to the back yard. Maybe once or twice a month. I just need to cook and there is so much lovely food here in Hawaii. Wonderful produce and the best tasting tomatoes I've EVER eaten. If I can score some tomorrow with some whole milk buffalo mozzarella, I feel a Caprese salad coming on.
I think I'll price some outdoor furniture...you know, a table and chairs, maybe a chaise or glider, too. Don't want the back to look redneck trashy, but would like a comfortable place to eat and handout outside. It would also require some potted plants and other container gardening.
May as well see if I can get the old bread process going again, although, if I can find a fine crusty french baguette or an Italian with "chew' I may stick to biscuits and "pastry". I'll bet I can still make a wicked scratch chokkie cake and creme brulee's are easy peasy.
I'm also going by the Wholepaycheck this weekend to try some fish maybe, a handful of fingerling potatoes. check the other meat sections...expand the cheese rep and maybe MAYBE get a bottle of wine and try again. A nice slab of grilled, slightly smoked, wild salmon with smashed potatoes, maybe something green with (need to look for fish compatible green veg. And a lovely bottle of Western Pacific (Wilamette valley etc.) Pinot Noir with lots of dark cherries and black raspberry. I like my wines Big Forward and fruity. I just need to find a way to keep the wine fresh so I don't have to try to drink the whole bottle myself. After all, If you're going to test the recipe, you've got to taste the whole thing. You wouldn't an otherwise well prepared dinner ruined because the wine is shit.
Well, I'm missing Michael again, but I will always miss Michael. There will always be a spot in my heart where Michael lives, for we gave our hearts to each other and I know he carries my heart still, even though he's gone on ahead to the Summerlands and waits near the bridge. Michael would be delighted at the idea of having people over for a dinner party. He loved entertaining. I may yet chicken out...the solitude is so comforting at times. I would still like some outdoor furniture to enjoy this Hawaii weather. Perhaps while I'm out I can stop by costco, or home depot and check out the Irish Furniture (at least an adjustable chaise and a side table.
05 February 2010
Timing is EVERYTHING!
I was supposed to leave today for a business trip to the East Coast. On Monday, I postponed the trip for a week. The East Coast is currently being absolutely hammered by a winter storm of "historical proportions".
I am not anywhere near the East Coast.
I am not anywhere near the East Coast.
04 February 2010
Made it through January
So, I made it through the first year of no Michael. It's been awfully hard. I miss being able to reach out and touch him. I always felt so warm and safe with him. He would come into the kitchen and come up from behind me and just wrap his arms around me, lay his cheek in the top of my head and just hug. I loved it when he did that. He would come up behind me as I sat at the computer and give my shoulders a little rub and nuzzle my neck a little.
We were a very physical couple. Oh, not in that skanky, kissy-wissy, make-out in public kind of way, but we held hands a lot or walked arm in arm. Usually, when we sat together either our shoulders or thighs were touching. I miss the touching so much that I dream about it sometimes. I had a wonderful dream, not long after he died that he came to me as I was sleeping and gently brushed the hair from my forehead and softly kissed me. Then he was gone. It woke me up. Just the other night, I had another dream that he had come up behind me like he used to and just wrapped his arms around me and held me with his chin gently resting on my shoulder. I could feel so much love and security. I wanted that feeling to last forever. That dream woke me up, too.
I miss the touching, the closeness. I miss the warm, safe feeling I got when he held me. At the risk of making this sound self pitying, it hurts to realize That I will never be held again. Never to be touched, he never to have my back scratched again, never to be held again, never to have silly little "nothings" murmured in my ear.
I think the hardest part of adapting to Michael's absence is adapting to the lack of touch.
Otherwise, with the exception of missing Michael, I'm quite likely the happiest I've ever been. I've got a great job with people that are honest, respect me, seem to like me, and are glad I'm there (what a switch, honest management!) I LOVE Hawaii and am considering selling the house to buy one here.
I looked at a picture of the rental house the other day and it made me so sad. Michael and I were going to retire there, but without him, I just can't bear to look at what might have been our future. We had made so many plans to fix that little house up. So many flowers and plants (Michael was a wonderful gardener). Now the house just makes me sad because it deserves to be loved and I just don't really care anymore except that Michael loved the house. Without him, that house could never be my home.
New developments?? I've taken up hand spinning fiber from a drop spindle. Maybe pictures next time.
I'm making progress. I have a job I love. I make good money (Thank Deity). My health is still ok, except for my back. I'm a lucky broad and I'm grateful to Michael, because so much of this was put into motion when we were a couple just visualizing our way to a good life. Now I just have to keep working. Keep concentrating on all that is right and good and helping others when I can. AND not to forget to be grateful for my friends and opportunities.
Thanks y'all...you know who you are!
We were a very physical couple. Oh, not in that skanky, kissy-wissy, make-out in public kind of way, but we held hands a lot or walked arm in arm. Usually, when we sat together either our shoulders or thighs were touching. I miss the touching so much that I dream about it sometimes. I had a wonderful dream, not long after he died that he came to me as I was sleeping and gently brushed the hair from my forehead and softly kissed me. Then he was gone. It woke me up. Just the other night, I had another dream that he had come up behind me like he used to and just wrapped his arms around me and held me with his chin gently resting on my shoulder. I could feel so much love and security. I wanted that feeling to last forever. That dream woke me up, too.
I miss the touching, the closeness. I miss the warm, safe feeling I got when he held me. At the risk of making this sound self pitying, it hurts to realize That I will never be held again. Never to be touched, he never to have my back scratched again, never to be held again, never to have silly little "nothings" murmured in my ear.
I think the hardest part of adapting to Michael's absence is adapting to the lack of touch.
Otherwise, with the exception of missing Michael, I'm quite likely the happiest I've ever been. I've got a great job with people that are honest, respect me, seem to like me, and are glad I'm there (what a switch, honest management!) I LOVE Hawaii and am considering selling the house to buy one here.
I looked at a picture of the rental house the other day and it made me so sad. Michael and I were going to retire there, but without him, I just can't bear to look at what might have been our future. We had made so many plans to fix that little house up. So many flowers and plants (Michael was a wonderful gardener). Now the house just makes me sad because it deserves to be loved and I just don't really care anymore except that Michael loved the house. Without him, that house could never be my home.
New developments?? I've taken up hand spinning fiber from a drop spindle. Maybe pictures next time.
I'm making progress. I have a job I love. I make good money (Thank Deity). My health is still ok, except for my back. I'm a lucky broad and I'm grateful to Michael, because so much of this was put into motion when we were a couple just visualizing our way to a good life. Now I just have to keep working. Keep concentrating on all that is right and good and helping others when I can. AND not to forget to be grateful for my friends and opportunities.
Thanks y'all...you know who you are!
26 December 2009
Twas the Day After Christmas
Boxing Day for my friends of the British inclination. I'm working on getting myself motivated to either visit Ala Moana Mall for the post Christmas (insanity)sales or to clean the kitchen. Neither is particularly appetizing. I LOVE to cook, but am not overjoyed by the clean up that always follows.
All that mess not withstanding...
Yesterday, I want to my boss's home for Christmas. I don't know why, but I am constantly amazed by the kindness that some people exhibit. I had a lovely dinner, got to know the man I work with MUCH better. Who would've thought he had a great sense of humor or played a musical instrument. His wife is such a sweet person whom I would like to get to know better. I do believe that I have been invited to become part of the Ohana (family, some related by blood, many not, but all cared for). I've come to believe that I don't work FOR this gentleman, but I work WITH him. Trust me, that's a distinct difference and one that I've rarely experienced.
On the family front, I got a card from my SIL and Bro. Talked to them on the phone, but that was the end of the family thing. Nothing from the rest of my family, but nothing ws expected. I heard nothing at all from my husband's family and that was hurtful. No response from them at all, after the Thanksgiving email, and nothing from them for Christmas. Not that I expected anything "physical" but an email costs nothing but a few minutes of time. Ah, well...I will let them go, sadly, but I do not go where not invited or wanted.
It looks like I will be making my way back to the mainland in February (thought last week it was to be in January, but February is a much lousier time of year, so February it will be). Fortunately, I just acquired a new winter jacket that can be worn 3 ways, and assuming that I don't loose a bunch of weight, the jacket should last me a good long time (and will be useful on trips to the highlands of the Big Island, where it can and does snow). I should apply myself to knitting that I have promised to others and, perhaps get the silly scarf/hat done that I started probably more than a year ago. It will go nicely with the new jacket (which is black with white trim).
WARNING!!! AFC (Actual Fiber Content)
I am really enjoying my introduction to spinning. The drop spindle and I seem, at first blush, to get along quite well. We've had no arguments yet. This may well be beginner's luck, but I've had no urge to throw it across the room as with some of my knitting projects. The spinning seems to quiet my mind and the cat seems to understand this as he watches me "play with string". He has shown ho interest in doing anything but watching the spindle. He's a good cat and evidently easily amused. He doesn't seem to begrudge me time that could be put to better use petting him.
This is probably not much, but it's my FIRST handspun yarn and I lurves it!
I don't know what kind of wool it is, but it's got a long staple and is forgiving and very beginner friendly. My friend Dorothy lent her spindle and shared the fiber with me. I'm pretty sure I'm hooked because I find myself speculating on the spinning merits of all the fiber I see. I'm also exploring various spindles. The occasional thought of a spinning wheel crosses my mind. Just what I need.
Cooking? Yep, I actually cooked something the other day. A batch of Tassies for Christmas Dinner (I feel uncomfortable going to someone's house and not taking at least a LITTLE something. So I made a batch of Tassies. Miniature pecan pies. Since I love pecan pie, I love the little ones. The crust recipe I use is dead simple and lends itself very well to ALL sorts of fillings. I'm already contemplating savory fillings like something with sausage, and not just the traditional breakfasty type of sausage. What about Italian sweet sausage with finely chopped onion and red, green, and yellow peppers? Or, minced mushrooms with onion and a dab of sherry? I might even try Chinese ground pork filling (with ginger, green onion, and "stuff").
All that mess not withstanding...
Yesterday, I want to my boss's home for Christmas. I don't know why, but I am constantly amazed by the kindness that some people exhibit. I had a lovely dinner, got to know the man I work with MUCH better. Who would've thought he had a great sense of humor or played a musical instrument. His wife is such a sweet person whom I would like to get to know better. I do believe that I have been invited to become part of the Ohana (family, some related by blood, many not, but all cared for). I've come to believe that I don't work FOR this gentleman, but I work WITH him. Trust me, that's a distinct difference and one that I've rarely experienced.
On the family front, I got a card from my SIL and Bro. Talked to them on the phone, but that was the end of the family thing. Nothing from the rest of my family, but nothing ws expected. I heard nothing at all from my husband's family and that was hurtful. No response from them at all, after the Thanksgiving email, and nothing from them for Christmas. Not that I expected anything "physical" but an email costs nothing but a few minutes of time. Ah, well...I will let them go, sadly, but I do not go where not invited or wanted.
It looks like I will be making my way back to the mainland in February (thought last week it was to be in January, but February is a much lousier time of year, so February it will be). Fortunately, I just acquired a new winter jacket that can be worn 3 ways, and assuming that I don't loose a bunch of weight, the jacket should last me a good long time (and will be useful on trips to the highlands of the Big Island, where it can and does snow). I should apply myself to knitting that I have promised to others and, perhaps get the silly scarf/hat done that I started probably more than a year ago. It will go nicely with the new jacket (which is black with white trim).
WARNING!!! AFC (Actual Fiber Content)
I am really enjoying my introduction to spinning. The drop spindle and I seem, at first blush, to get along quite well. We've had no arguments yet. This may well be beginner's luck, but I've had no urge to throw it across the room as with some of my knitting projects. The spinning seems to quiet my mind and the cat seems to understand this as he watches me "play with string". He has shown ho interest in doing anything but watching the spindle. He's a good cat and evidently easily amused. He doesn't seem to begrudge me time that could be put to better use petting him.
This is probably not much, but it's my FIRST handspun yarn and I lurves it!
I don't know what kind of wool it is, but it's got a long staple and is forgiving and very beginner friendly. My friend Dorothy lent her spindle and shared the fiber with me. I'm pretty sure I'm hooked because I find myself speculating on the spinning merits of all the fiber I see. I'm also exploring various spindles. The occasional thought of a spinning wheel crosses my mind. Just what I need.Cooking? Yep, I actually cooked something the other day. A batch of Tassies for Christmas Dinner (I feel uncomfortable going to someone's house and not taking at least a LITTLE something. So I made a batch of Tassies. Miniature pecan pies. Since I love pecan pie, I love the little ones. The crust recipe I use is dead simple and lends itself very well to ALL sorts of fillings. I'm already contemplating savory fillings like something with sausage, and not just the traditional breakfasty type of sausage. What about Italian sweet sausage with finely chopped onion and red, green, and yellow peppers? Or, minced mushrooms with onion and a dab of sherry? I might even try Chinese ground pork filling (with ginger, green onion, and "stuff").
29 October 2009
Approaching Holidays
They've started posting notices around work about various holiday "festivities". There's a Thanksgiving thing that's basically a giant potluck. There's also the ubiquitous "Holiday Party" (Christmas). Every time I see one of the notices, it makes me unhappy. I won't say depressed, because I am NOT depressed. I'm sad, I miss my husband. I'm lonely...I miss my husband. I get a little teary.
In case you're new to the blog, my husband died January 2, 2009. He was hospitalized all during the holiday season last year, so it's not something I remember with joy.
I've never been too good with the so called holidays. During my childhood, my father made the season miserable with his drinking. I found it was better for me to mostly disregard them. I had a better time with my husband. His birthday fell just before Christmas and our wedding anniversary was right after New Years, so for a while, at least, the holiday times were good.
Now he's gone and I just had it slammed home to me that there will be no more Thanksgivings where we poured out our love for each other with food, prepared with care and lavished with passion as we tried to out do ourselves. We worked the kitchen as a team and it was so much fun that it should've been against the law. Then his birthday would come and I would create my best dinner for him. I would research ideas in the cooking magazines we both loved to read and I would create my masterpiece for him. Man, it was like Iron Chef time! I would carefully match the meal with the best wine we could afford. Christmas was traditionally Roast Prime Rib with Yorkshire Pudding, mash and sauteed fresh brussels sprouts with chestnuts. We worked hard to make everything perfect. The prep and plating looked ready for a photo shoot for Gourmet (we had this fantasy of having Julia Child show up for dinner), and again, the best wine we could afford. We thought we were pretty hot stuff in the kitchen!
We shared a gift...usually something for the kitchen. One year it was a honkin big KitchenAid mixer.
New Years was the evening we stayed in while everyone else went out. My sweetie called it "amateur night" and indeed, he was right, as people who don't normally party go out and get loaded. It's safer and more fun to stay in. We would prepare a meat and cheese tray with imported salami and other charcuterie, a selection of "fancy" cheeses, an ounce of caviar (my favorite that I could eat by the jar if I could afford it), various breads and crackers, and of course, a bottle of Champagne that I always had to wake him for. My DH was never one for staying up late, so as it neared midnight, I would wake him and then open the bottle and pour the glasses to share as the year turned and everything was new again.
It's going to be lonely this year. There will be no Thanksgiving. His birthday will be marked with candles and probably tears as I miss him. Christmas will probably spent at the beach, watching the waves and remembering him and all our wonderful Christmas's past. I think I will just ignore New Years, but the first anniversary of his death will be observed with some small bit of ritual. Instead of being our fourteenth Wedding Anniversary, the fourth of January will be the first anniversary of my widowhood. I promised to love him forever and I will reiterate that promise that evening.
It has been suggested that I should go spend the holidays with my family, but that holds no appeal for me. It's not that I don't love them, but they are more stressful than I can handle and I can't risk saying the wrong thing when they start with their religious/political stuff. My family and me, well, we don't share politics or religion. I anticipate that I will be fragile enough without having to deal with them, no matter how well intentioned and I just don't want to risk the fighting and pressure that would result if I forgot myself and really told them what I think. I hope that my home will be my refuge and I will knit a bit, watch some movies, and just deal with the season on my own terms.
I'll be OK, though...honest. It's all part of the process. And who knows, after the first of the year, I may just have a finished piece of knitting to show off on the blog!
In case you're new to the blog, my husband died January 2, 2009. He was hospitalized all during the holiday season last year, so it's not something I remember with joy.
I've never been too good with the so called holidays. During my childhood, my father made the season miserable with his drinking. I found it was better for me to mostly disregard them. I had a better time with my husband. His birthday fell just before Christmas and our wedding anniversary was right after New Years, so for a while, at least, the holiday times were good.
Now he's gone and I just had it slammed home to me that there will be no more Thanksgivings where we poured out our love for each other with food, prepared with care and lavished with passion as we tried to out do ourselves. We worked the kitchen as a team and it was so much fun that it should've been against the law. Then his birthday would come and I would create my best dinner for him. I would research ideas in the cooking magazines we both loved to read and I would create my masterpiece for him. Man, it was like Iron Chef time! I would carefully match the meal with the best wine we could afford. Christmas was traditionally Roast Prime Rib with Yorkshire Pudding, mash and sauteed fresh brussels sprouts with chestnuts. We worked hard to make everything perfect. The prep and plating looked ready for a photo shoot for Gourmet (we had this fantasy of having Julia Child show up for dinner), and again, the best wine we could afford. We thought we were pretty hot stuff in the kitchen!
We shared a gift...usually something for the kitchen. One year it was a honkin big KitchenAid mixer.
New Years was the evening we stayed in while everyone else went out. My sweetie called it "amateur night" and indeed, he was right, as people who don't normally party go out and get loaded. It's safer and more fun to stay in. We would prepare a meat and cheese tray with imported salami and other charcuterie, a selection of "fancy" cheeses, an ounce of caviar (my favorite that I could eat by the jar if I could afford it), various breads and crackers, and of course, a bottle of Champagne that I always had to wake him for. My DH was never one for staying up late, so as it neared midnight, I would wake him and then open the bottle and pour the glasses to share as the year turned and everything was new again.
It's going to be lonely this year. There will be no Thanksgiving. His birthday will be marked with candles and probably tears as I miss him. Christmas will probably spent at the beach, watching the waves and remembering him and all our wonderful Christmas's past. I think I will just ignore New Years, but the first anniversary of his death will be observed with some small bit of ritual. Instead of being our fourteenth Wedding Anniversary, the fourth of January will be the first anniversary of my widowhood. I promised to love him forever and I will reiterate that promise that evening.
It has been suggested that I should go spend the holidays with my family, but that holds no appeal for me. It's not that I don't love them, but they are more stressful than I can handle and I can't risk saying the wrong thing when they start with their religious/political stuff. My family and me, well, we don't share politics or religion. I anticipate that I will be fragile enough without having to deal with them, no matter how well intentioned and I just don't want to risk the fighting and pressure that would result if I forgot myself and really told them what I think. I hope that my home will be my refuge and I will knit a bit, watch some movies, and just deal with the season on my own terms.
I'll be OK, though...honest. It's all part of the process. And who knows, after the first of the year, I may just have a finished piece of knitting to show off on the blog!
17 October 2009
Yet ANOTHER Change
This weekend I'm preparing to move from my little "beach refuge" to a "real life" apartment (actually a townhouse).
The ubiquitous "they" are bringing my household goods Monday morning. It will be interesting to see how much of my stuff makes it here from Korea. I suppose I should be excited about moving into permanent quarters, but I'm kind of ambivalent. I have had so much peace in this little cottage by the sea. Every night I'm lulled to sleep by the waves on the rocks outside my windows. I'm entertained by the Hawaiian geckos who sometimes patrol my walls, looking for a quick meal. The breezes blowing through the pikake trees carrying their perfume all around the house are soft caresses. The birds who sing and squabble in the mornings make me smile.
I have been able to relax a bit here. I have been able to think, to cry, to regret. Every tear becomes a drop in the ocean. The ocean washes the sadness from me for a little while and the waves massage away some of the pain. I miss Michael, dreadfully. I had Kodak print up an enlargement of a nice photo I took in Sydney. Michael and the Opera House. It will hold a special place in the living room.
I wish he was here to see these sunsets and the beautiful mountains here in Oahu. But I have to laugh...he would HATE the kitchen in my new apartment. It's not even a two butt kitchen, and I'm really concerned about the storage. I may have to fit a pantry cabinet behind the dining table (boy, I wish there was IKEA in Hawaii). I'm also having trouble figuring out where to put the litter box. Mu's food and water will go on a placemat near the table.
I may get new furniture, keeping in mind that I don't have to buy 25 year furniture anymore. Pretty dishes, glassware, and flatware would be nice. One thing I really want is a glider and matching ottoman. I like the way they move, better than a rocker. I will slip cover the sofa and loveseat as I don't like the color for Hawaii (coppery). Probably something sandy or blue.
The upshot of all this meandering in that I wish I could stay here at the beach, in spite of the dirty long drive to work. I love the beach, the sound of the waves, the scent of the salt water. There are spinner dolphins here and turtles, too. Where I am going, there are no dolphins or turtles. No sandy beaches and waves gently kissing the shore. No... my place has some ferns and something "palmy" outside the front door, but there's only grass and concrete. No flowering trees or plants. I will have to get with the pots and the plants and get the container garden going. Maybe some hibiscus, but I'm afraid that pikake will be impossible. I'm even wondering if I could grow come orchids on the front porch.
All this is nice, but I need to get my stuff put away or tossed. Would also be nice if I could decorate for Halloween. The hardest thing is to get motivated, but I will prevail.
The ubiquitous "they" are bringing my household goods Monday morning. It will be interesting to see how much of my stuff makes it here from Korea. I suppose I should be excited about moving into permanent quarters, but I'm kind of ambivalent. I have had so much peace in this little cottage by the sea. Every night I'm lulled to sleep by the waves on the rocks outside my windows. I'm entertained by the Hawaiian geckos who sometimes patrol my walls, looking for a quick meal. The breezes blowing through the pikake trees carrying their perfume all around the house are soft caresses. The birds who sing and squabble in the mornings make me smile.
I have been able to relax a bit here. I have been able to think, to cry, to regret. Every tear becomes a drop in the ocean. The ocean washes the sadness from me for a little while and the waves massage away some of the pain. I miss Michael, dreadfully. I had Kodak print up an enlargement of a nice photo I took in Sydney. Michael and the Opera House. It will hold a special place in the living room.
I wish he was here to see these sunsets and the beautiful mountains here in Oahu. But I have to laugh...he would HATE the kitchen in my new apartment. It's not even a two butt kitchen, and I'm really concerned about the storage. I may have to fit a pantry cabinet behind the dining table (boy, I wish there was IKEA in Hawaii). I'm also having trouble figuring out where to put the litter box. Mu's food and water will go on a placemat near the table.
I may get new furniture, keeping in mind that I don't have to buy 25 year furniture anymore. Pretty dishes, glassware, and flatware would be nice. One thing I really want is a glider and matching ottoman. I like the way they move, better than a rocker. I will slip cover the sofa and loveseat as I don't like the color for Hawaii (coppery). Probably something sandy or blue.
The upshot of all this meandering in that I wish I could stay here at the beach, in spite of the dirty long drive to work. I love the beach, the sound of the waves, the scent of the salt water. There are spinner dolphins here and turtles, too. Where I am going, there are no dolphins or turtles. No sandy beaches and waves gently kissing the shore. No... my place has some ferns and something "palmy" outside the front door, but there's only grass and concrete. No flowering trees or plants. I will have to get with the pots and the plants and get the container garden going. Maybe some hibiscus, but I'm afraid that pikake will be impossible. I'm even wondering if I could grow come orchids on the front porch.
All this is nice, but I need to get my stuff put away or tossed. Would also be nice if I could decorate for Halloween. The hardest thing is to get motivated, but I will prevail.
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