Twas the Day After Christmas

Boxing Day for my friends of the British inclination. I'm working on getting myself motivated to either visit Ala Moana Mall for the post Christmas (insanity)sales or to clean the kitchen. Neither is particularly appetizing. I LOVE to cook, but am not overjoyed by the clean up that always follows.

All that mess not withstanding...

Yesterday, I want to my boss's home for Christmas. I don't know why, but I am constantly amazed by the kindness that some people exhibit. I had a lovely dinner, got to know the man I work with MUCH better. Who would've thought he had a great sense of humor or played a musical instrument. His wife is such a sweet person whom I would like to get to know better. I do believe that I have been invited to become part of the Ohana (family, some related by blood, many not, but all cared for). I've come to believe that I don't work FOR this gentleman, but I work WITH him. Trust me, that's a distinct difference and one that I've rarely experienced.

On the family front, I got a card from my SIL and Bro. Talked to them on the phone, but that was the end of the family thing. Nothing from the rest of my family, but nothing ws expected. I heard nothing at all from my husband's family and that was hurtful. No response from them at all, after the Thanksgiving email, and nothing from them for Christmas. Not that I expected anything "physical" but an email costs nothing but a few minutes of time. Ah, well...I will let them go, sadly, but I do not go where not invited or wanted.

It looks like I will be making my way back to the mainland in February (thought last week it was to be in January, but February is a much lousier time of year, so February it will be). Fortunately, I just acquired a new winter jacket that can be worn 3 ways, and assuming that I don't loose a bunch of weight, the jacket should last me a good long time (and will be useful on trips to the highlands of the Big Island, where it can and does snow). I should apply myself to knitting that I have promised to others and, perhaps get the silly scarf/hat done that I started probably more than a year ago. It will go nicely with the new jacket (which is black with white trim).

WARNING!!! AFC (Actual Fiber Content)

I am really enjoying my introduction to spinning. The drop spindle and I seem, at first blush, to get along quite well. We've had no arguments yet. This may well be beginner's luck, but I've had no urge to throw it across the room as with some of my knitting projects. The spinning seems to quiet my mind and the cat seems to understand this as he watches me "play with string". He has shown ho interest in doing anything but watching the spindle. He's a good cat and evidently easily amused. He doesn't seem to begrudge me time that could be put to better use petting him.

This is probably not much, but it's my FIRST handspun yarn and I lurves it!

I don't know what kind of wool it is, but it's got a long staple and is forgiving and very beginner friendly. My friend Dorothy lent her spindle and shared the fiber with me. I'm pretty sure I'm hooked because I find myself speculating on the spinning merits of all the fiber I see. I'm also exploring various spindles. The occasional thought of a spinning wheel crosses my mind. Just what I need.

Cooking? Yep, I actually cooked something the other day. A batch of Tassies for Christmas Dinner (I feel uncomfortable going to someone's house and not taking at least a LITTLE something. So I made a batch of Tassies. Miniature pecan pies. Since I love pecan pie, I love the little ones. The crust recipe I use is dead simple and lends itself very well to ALL sorts of fillings. I'm already contemplating savory fillings like something with sausage, and not just the traditional breakfasty type of sausage. What about Italian sweet sausage with finely chopped onion and red, green, and yellow peppers? Or, minced mushrooms with onion and a dab of sherry? I might even try Chinese ground pork filling (with ginger, green onion, and "stuff").

Approaching Holidays

They've started posting notices around work about various holiday "festivities". There's a Thanksgiving thing that's basically a giant potluck. There's also the ubiquitous "Holiday Party" (Christmas). Every time I see one of the notices, it makes me unhappy. I won't say depressed, because I am NOT depressed. I'm sad, I miss my husband. I'm lonely...I miss my husband. I get a little teary.

In case you're new to the blog, my husband died January 2, 2009. He was hospitalized all during the holiday season last year, so it's not something I remember with joy.

I've never been too good with the so called holidays. During my childhood, my father made the season miserable with his drinking. I found it was better for me to mostly disregard them. I had a better time with my husband. His birthday fell just before Christmas and our wedding anniversary was right after New Years, so for a while, at least, the holiday times were good.

Now he's gone and I just had it slammed home to me that there will be no more Thanksgivings where we poured out our love for each other with food, prepared with care and lavished with passion as we tried to out do ourselves. We worked the kitchen as a team and it was so much fun that it should've been against the law. Then his birthday would come and I would create my best dinner for him. I would research ideas in the cooking magazines we both loved to read and I would create my masterpiece for him. Man, it was like Iron Chef time! I would carefully match the meal with the best wine we could afford. Christmas was traditionally Roast Prime Rib with Yorkshire Pudding, mash and sauteed fresh brussels sprouts with chestnuts. We worked hard to make everything perfect. The prep and plating looked ready for a photo shoot for Gourmet (we had this fantasy of having Julia Child show up for dinner), and again, the best wine we could afford. We thought we were pretty hot stuff in the kitchen!

We shared a gift...usually something for the kitchen. One year it was a honkin big KitchenAid mixer.

New Years was the evening we stayed in while everyone else went out. My sweetie called it "amateur night" and indeed, he was right, as people who don't normally party go out and get loaded. It's safer and more fun to stay in. We would prepare a meat and cheese tray with imported salami and other charcuterie, a selection of "fancy" cheeses, an ounce of caviar (my favorite that I could eat by the jar if I could afford it), various breads and crackers, and of course, a bottle of Champagne that I always had to wake him for. My DH was never one for staying up late, so as it neared midnight, I would wake him and then open the bottle and pour the glasses to share as the year turned and everything was new again.

It's going to be lonely this year. There will be no Thanksgiving. His birthday will be marked with candles and probably tears as I miss him. Christmas will probably spent at the beach, watching the waves and remembering him and all our wonderful Christmas's past. I think I will just ignore New Years, but the first anniversary of his death will be observed with some small bit of ritual. Instead of being our fourteenth Wedding Anniversary, the fourth of January will be the first anniversary of my widowhood. I promised to love him forever and I will reiterate that promise that evening.

It has been suggested that I should go spend the holidays with my family, but that holds no appeal for me. It's not that I don't love them, but they are more stressful than I can handle and I can't risk saying the wrong thing when they start with their religious/political stuff. My family and me, well, we don't share politics or religion. I anticipate that I will be fragile enough without having to deal with them, no matter how well intentioned and I just don't want to risk the fighting and pressure that would result if I forgot myself and really told them what I think. I hope that my home will be my refuge and I will knit a bit, watch some movies, and just deal with the season on my own terms.

I'll be OK, though...honest. It's all part of the process. And who knows, after the first of the year, I may just have a finished piece of knitting to show off on the blog!

Yet ANOTHER Change

This weekend I'm preparing to move from my little "beach refuge" to a "real life" apartment (actually a townhouse).



The ubiquitous "they" are bringing my household goods Monday morning. It will be interesting to see how much of my stuff makes it here from Korea. I suppose I should be excited about moving into permanent quarters, but I'm kind of ambivalent. I have had so much peace in this little cottage by the sea. Every night I'm lulled to sleep by the waves on the rocks outside my windows. I'm entertained by the Hawaiian geckos who sometimes patrol my walls, looking for a quick meal. The breezes blowing through the pikake trees carrying their perfume all around the house are soft caresses. The birds who sing and squabble in the mornings make me smile.



I have been able to relax a bit here. I have been able to think, to cry, to regret. Every tear becomes a drop in the ocean. The ocean washes the sadness from me for a little while and the waves massage away some of the pain. I miss Michael, dreadfully. I had Kodak print up an enlargement of a nice photo I took in Sydney. Michael and the Opera House. It will hold a special place in the living room.



I wish he was here to see these sunsets and the beautiful mountains here in Oahu. But I have to laugh...he would HATE the kitchen in my new apartment. It's not even a two butt kitchen, and I'm really concerned about the storage. I may have to fit a pantry cabinet behind the dining table (boy, I wish there was IKEA in Hawaii). I'm also having trouble figuring out where to put the litter box. Mu's food and water will go on a placemat near the table.

I may get new furniture, keeping in mind that I don't have to buy 25 year furniture anymore. Pretty dishes, glassware, and flatware would be nice. One thing I really want is a glider and matching ottoman. I like the way they move, better than a rocker. I will slip cover the sofa and loveseat as I don't like the color for Hawaii (coppery). Probably something sandy or blue.

The upshot of all this meandering in that I wish I could stay here at the beach, in spite of the dirty long drive to work. I love the beach, the sound of the waves, the scent of the salt water. There are spinner dolphins here and turtles, too. Where I am going, there are no dolphins or turtles. No sandy beaches and waves gently kissing the shore. No... my place has some ferns and something "palmy" outside the front door, but there's only grass and concrete. No flowering trees or plants. I will have to get with the pots and the plants and get the container garden going. Maybe some hibiscus, but I'm afraid that pikake will be impossible. I'm even wondering if I could grow come orchids on the front porch.

All this is nice, but I need to get my stuff put away or tossed. Would also be nice if I could decorate for Halloween. The hardest thing is to get motivated, but I will prevail.

Tomorrow normality sets in...

I've been in Hawaii two weeks now. They've been a pleasant two weeks. I have rested and gotten my bearings. done some of the essentials like getting a cellphone and starting my home search. I would love to stay here...on the beach, but it would be better for me to be closer to work. I'm confident that the right place will present itself to me when the time is right, so, while I will actively search, I will not worry.

It's been good to rest these two weeks. I was so run down from all the drama that was Korea for the last year that I had lost touch with myself. All I was doing was living day to day. I've had this time (thank you people that INSISTED that I take two weeks off) to be quiet, to sleep deeply to the soothing sound of the surf, to get the soot and stink that was Seoul out of my lungs, and to just be. The change is astounding. Even the cat, who had always had gunky eyes is better. His eyes are no longer gunky and we both feel better.

So...tomorrow I start my new job. How that will work out remains to be seen, but I have every confidence that it will be much better than where I came from. It will b e good to have motivation again...I can't stay too long in vacation mode, and it's definitely part of "normalcy". Normalcy is what must be. I keep harping on "starting a new life" but that's exactly what this is. New location, new job, new "status" (widowed/single). It's hard to get used to being a solo act, and there things I would like to do that I must figure out how to do singly. I will NOT allow myself to hole up and be a hermit. I will go places and do things and "hang out" with people.

My knitting group is a good start. There are institutional ways to meet people, "church" is probably the most obvious, but since I eschew organized religion, I will not be visiting any churches in the near future. I will, however, see what's available at work. One of the people at knitting the other night had a good idea in that we should organize a knitting group at work. Perhaps I will look into that. Also, there is no EGA chapter in Hawaii, so that might be something else to look into.

There are many opportunities out there, I only have to find them. I embark on this with all optimism and go forward because I certainly can not go backward.

FINALLY!!

Yes, finally, in so many ways!

This is my LAST night in Korea. Tomorrow I fly to my new home in Hawaii. I will not miss Korea. The combination of work issues and the loss of my husband has left me with very bad feelings about my last three years. I feel as though I have wasted three years of professional time and lost the most precious thing I have ever had. Whether or not I am correct, that is the way I feel right now.

The giant anthill that is Seoul

I have been fortunate enough to make some very good friends here, and I will miss them dreadfully. They are the best part of where I worked and they are not appreciated nearly enough by the people who run the show over here.

I look at tomorrow as an ending AND a beginning. I feel as though I am standing on the brink of something that has enormous potential. It's not everyday that someone has the opportunity to start their life over (not from scratch, though, thank God). I am an unknown and I have the opportunity to remake my life and not have to deal with any preconceived notions on the part of my co-workers or neighbors. I have the opportunity to be exactly who I am becoming.

I was lucky. I was part of something beautiful. Now I have the opportunity to create new beauty that is wholly mine. Do not mistake me. I miss my darling husband every minute of every day, but the best thing I can do for him (and me) now is to make a beautiful life.

I can not hide myself away. I must seek out and savor new experiences, meet new people, and make more friends. Take delight in everything and be mindful that everything is part of a greater whole. One of my goals is to simplify my life. To eliminate those things that don't serve me, to reduce clutter, and to make a smaller imprint upon my world. I realize that it sounds like I'm planning to go "hippie" and that's not the case. I just want to pay more attention. I will enjoy good, fresh, healthy food. I will respect where that food comes from and the people who's efforts went into making that food. I want to waste less, and save more, and that includes time.

I want to expand myself. I want to learn new things. Perhaps I will learn to spin and dye my own yarns. Perhaps I will learn to dye my own threads for embroidery, or learn new cooking techniques. Perhaps I will complete my Masters...perhaps I will pursue even more education.

These various goals are all things that do not demand immediate answers or solutions. They only demand intention and attention.

Six Months and Counting...

This is the six month anniversary of the death of my husband. One hundred eighty days. I have missed him every minute of every day.

Strangely enough, today, a friend gave me two pictures of my husband and I that I didn't know existed. Was is coincidence? Was it my husband's way of reminding me that we had a wonderful life together and that we would always share our love for each other even if we were apart? Think what you want, I don't know.

What I DO know is that I have successfully made it through six months without my best friend. It has been hard and I have mostly hated it, but I have faced it and I have DONE it. Done it in a foreign country, thousands of miles from family. I've gotten myself a great follow on job to the current one, in a new location. I have refused to surrender to all the unpleasant things that come after you lose a loved one. But, I have NOT done it alone. I have been supported by many dear, dear friends to whom I will be forever grateful. My journey is not completed, but I am making it, day by day.

Some people expected me to fold my tent and meekly return to what they consider to be a safe place for me. They have asked me why I don't want to return to the security of my family and friends. They can't understand why anyone would not want to be in their "home" (that being somewhere within a 50 mile radius of their birthplace). That may work for some people, but it's not for me. I need to be in a place where I can be me and not my husband's widow. I loved him with everything I had, but he did not define me. I was "me" before we married and I was "me" while we were together, and I insist on being "me" now that he's gone.

It's kind of funny and kind of annoying that people think you must follow some kind of predetermined "process" for grieving. While Elizabeth Kubler-Ross did great things for many people by examining grief, she did many of us a disservice, too. There are a surprisingly large number of people who adhere strictly to her definition of the grieving process and if you are doing it differently, you are doing it wrong. Many of these people are "professionals" and were taught this as part of their training. Pity they weren't taught that this is a generalization, not a prescribed order of "business". In the case of humans and their emotions, one size truly does not fit all.

Darling man, it has been six long, often lonely, months. I miss you every day and I love you every day.

One Month Closer...

I'm one month closer to leaving Korea. Thank God, I am SO ready to leave this place.

I went today to the Mortuary services office to pick up my dearest husbands ashes. Up to today, I had been doing pretty well. Keeping myself together, fed, sane. I'd stopped (for the most part) crying myself to sleep. I guess it's all going to come back for a while, since I've opened up the "wound" again.

I have been going to work regularly, even being productive, or at least, as productive as a short timer can be. I had started cooking a bit. I never had the knack of cooking for one or two. There were always massive leftovers. Cook for 8,10, 50...NO problem. Now there's only me. I try to keep away from the processed foods, to eat healthier and not "fall back" on that processed stuff. That will be easier when I get to Hawaii. The sanity facet, well, that was always a bit of a question. After all, sanity IS relative ;-) and I've always been a tiny bit crazy.

Anyway, I got his urn back to the apartment with out breaking down. I had put one of his favorite Grateful Dead albums on the cd player for the drive. Once I got him in the house, though, I fell apart. I sat on the floor, clutching that damned urn sobbing and rocking for a good hour. The cat, bless his little feline heart, sat right next to me the whole time I melted down. He understands.

I've put his urn on the table near the front window. He liked that view (it's really the only one we had in the apartment). This weekend, when I don't have to act like I'm together, I will have a bit of ritual for him. Flowers, candles, the hippy incense that he liked. I will use that time to try to let go a little bit more and remember the wonderfulness that was my darling Irishman. Then I will pack his ashes in a safe place so that they will be shipped to my new home.

When I get to my new home, I will find a secure place for his ashes. I don't want to dwell on his death, just to deal. But even though he's gone from "this place" I will truly love him, as I promised, forever. Even if someone shows up in the future that I can care about, I will ALWAYS love my darling Irishman.